Beyond Affairs: Why Men Cheat?

By: Alexandra Kinias

Modern technologies and wireless connections are helping women everyday to track down their husbands without leaving the comfort of their living rooms.  My best friend’s earlier suspicions about her husbands’ infidelity came to a closure when she received online credit card statements that included flights to Bangkok, not a destination her husband travels to on business, and the bill of a hotel in the Thai capital. Of course in the Google age she didn’t need a private detective to learn that this hotel offers affordable escort services to its guests. My guess of why an intelligent man as her ex-husband, yes they got a divorce, left a trail behind is because there is no perfect crime. He would have got busted, anyway. With her escalating suspicions, she had kept him on short leash. All she needed was solid evidence to build her divorce case, which he eventually supplied.

My friend’s horrific discovery is not an isolated event.  Every day, women, from all walks of life, wake up to this nightmare, no woman is immune. A research conducted by marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman, estimated that one man in 2.7 will cheat, without the knowledge of their wives. And it may come as a surprise to many that the primary reason for men to cheat is not because of sex, but due to emotional disconnection for not being appreciated by their partners. The women that men cheat with are not necessarily prettier or sexier than their wives either. Some men who cheated on their wives even admitted that they had a good marriage life.

Studies were conducted, books have been written, social and physiological researchers scuba-dived deep into the core of the issue, yet there is no definitive answer to why men can easily slip into extra marital affairs. And since not all affairs were created equal, men stray for all manner of reasons – sometimes out of pure desire to fulfill personal needs, sometimes to escape an unhappy marriage, sometimes to avoid intimacy with their wives because intimacy scares them and exposes their vulnerabilities, sometimes a man turn away from the marriage because he feels like he’s failing in the provider role, and he may seek reassurance elsewhere, or maybe to try a new adventure. Who knows? Science hasn’t revealed all the secretes yet.

However, Gary Neuman suggests that men are very emotional beings even though they don’t admit it. They become insecure when they are underappreciated and this insecurity is the main catalyst that drives them to stray. Of course it goes without saying that when another woman takes interest in them, they listen while she boosts their egos, makes them feel appreciated, and admired.

In other words Neuman implies that pride is the quality that drives men, a very powerful quality, yet very fragile. According to my understanding of Neuman’s findings, men walk through life with their faces covered with the macho mask to conceal their insecurities. While men cheat and violate the trust, which is the basic foundation of marriage, women are blamed that their actions, behavior and attitude, toward the sensitive male nature puts pressure on them to stray. In other words women basically bring it upon themselves by reacting to the false pretense of manhood that men have mastered over the centuries. Quite a baffling rationalization considering that it is hard to comprehend that any man who could open a jar of pasta sauce with a twist of his fingers, yet never asks for directions, because he always knows the way, is actually insecure to ask in front of his partner not to appear stupid.

So, the truth of the matter is that men simply want support, appreciation and praise.  But why would they still stray away when these needs are fulfilled by their partner? That will never be explained. This whole insecurities issue reminds me of the scene in the movie ‘My Cousin Vinnie’ when Vinnie, insecure about his capabilities as a lawyer, asks his fiancée Lisa for moral support, after being thrown in jail for messing up his cousin’s case.

“Support?” She said. “Is that what you want? I’m sorry, you were wonderful in there! The way you handled that judge… ooh you are a smooth talker. You are… you are!”

Well, if this is the case, why don’t men just admit their insecurities and ask to be praised instead of going out looking for someone to pamper their bruised egos?

Men!!! They will never stop surprising us … what can we say!!!

5 thoughts on “Beyond Affairs: Why Men Cheat?

  1. Because, their ego is supposed to be invincible in the first place… “unbruisable”! You’ve got praise for that ego… don’t make your man beg… lavish him with it, for, after all, aren’t women God’s soothing gift to humanity? 😉

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